so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
