i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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