I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
