I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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