Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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