Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
