Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
