my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
