How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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