I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
