I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
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And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
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