fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
