Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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