life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
