Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
