he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
