Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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