He had one of those small greek statue penises
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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