I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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