Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
