I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
