I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
