Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
