the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
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I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I didn't notice because vodka
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Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation