question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
