Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
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Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
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He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.