Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I understand Curling. That high.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
