I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
