some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i dont even know how to be here
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
