i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i came on her dog
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
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She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
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I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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