I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I think a kid would responsible me up
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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