So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
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she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
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I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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