sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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