he wants to bone in the snuggie
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
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Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
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Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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