I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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