my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
