i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
