You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
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Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize