sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
