i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
