Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He's on the porch naked. Help.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
