I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
