my soul wont recognize me after tonight
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i think my cat just said my name.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
