You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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