hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
