onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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