State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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