fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
