I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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