haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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