I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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