so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
