Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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