He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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