I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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