Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize