Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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