you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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