Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
