Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
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i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
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iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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