Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
