The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
