I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
