i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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